I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
