You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
