This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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