At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
