Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
