I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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