i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
