you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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