i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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