We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
