My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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