Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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