I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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