a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
