I feel great
I just peed on a car
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
