Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
