I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
