I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
