Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize