Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
