Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
