Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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