drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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