Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
