Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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