He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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