my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
