wanna go halves on a baby?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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