Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
