mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
