Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
