Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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