I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
