one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
