I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
