I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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