Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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