I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
