So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
