So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
