i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
