i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
