Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize