DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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