im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
