hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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