Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
