my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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