Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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