I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
