I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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