woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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