all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
