We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
