i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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