found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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