Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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