the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
