It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
