Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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