Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
