I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
