Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
