I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She told me I should be a condom model.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
